It is difficult to grow a child to adolescence and not start to be skeptical about books on raising children. So I’ve heard about Newfeld for many years, but I was only going to read it a few months ago and immediately stuck on the first chapter. Not because the book was boring or controversial, it just seemed that the reasoning that modern children are oriented to peers, our family does not touch.
But then, in the next parental crisis, I went back to the book and could not tear myself away from it. I realize that it sounds pathetic, but this book has changed my life & our life.
The first discovery:
Building the standards of behavior of children, we often refer to our children’s experience. And you need to switch something in your head to understand that the conclusion: “I was like that” can testify not about the natural course of things, but about the fact that the problem arose earlier and in our entire society.
The second discovery:
More dangerous than the “bad” companies that smear the child and lead away from parental care, we ourselves, with our own hands pushing him out of the family, calling for independence, praising independence and building plans, how the child will heal with his life. We are afraid to spoil the child with affection. With babies we have learned a little, we do not agree “not to accustom to the hands” and “let us cry.” But older children are trying to force them to grow up on a team, depriving them of support and support and not allowing them to really reach maturity (more and more adults do not reach it).
The third discovery:
All ways to call for discipline, teach a “lesson” or punish sever ties between the parent and the child. But only it is necessary for the child to listen to what they say and follow other people’s words, consider them significant.
I do not want to retell the text and pull out quotations from it. And I did not read other people’s compilations either. It seems to me that the book “Do not Miss Your Children” is not so long and complicated in itself, but it is always better to get acquainted with the original source. And if I did not come across examples that very much echoed our problems, I, perhaps, would give up reading and do not know how I need it. So let the author be somewhat verbose, sometimes edifying – it’s worth reading, even if your child is 18 soon.
In our family, and before reading this book, there was a bond of attachment. We talked a lot, spent a lot of time together, read a lot and still kept the tradition of reading out loud. And then came the adolescence with quarrels and scandals. And at first we thought that it should be so, they still talk about the horrors of life with a teenager. That’s just to live it became all unbearable. And the feeling that next to us now lives some strange person, left no hope. And the son was also tormented, and sometimes he felt sorry for his tears, but it is not customary for us to embrace and regret the child who did or said something outrageous.
Newfeld helped us understand what is important. Although even if one simply applies the steps of “capturing” the child by the steps described by him, they work. Now we talk and hear each other. And we do not frighten the terrible consequences that the son did what they say, but we consoled and convince that if we are together, we are not afraid of anything. Not everything is perfect, but a naughty and defending child is what you need, most importantly, that he is ours and this feeling does not pass away whatever he does and does not say.
Today there will be no tips and ideas. I just want to share our family-wide joy – the joy of reading and being the parents of a child reading. The son learned to read long and hard, with tears and periods of our parental despair, forgetting letters and confusing the direction of reading. But it was worth it, because now he can:
– Read and do something according to the instructions – bake a cake, assemble a juicer, learn a new board game. Understand the instructions; he is the best in the family.
– Learn something new and tell everyone, share a funny fact or amazing news. To merit the attention of listeners of different ages.
– Learn by yourself. The son is already the fifth year on home schooling and it would be simply impossible if he did not take on 80% of the training load.
– Advance in their hobbies without looking at us. The fact that I now do not need to delve into the specifics of Mayncraft or deal with chemical reactions is as satisfying as the general themes of interests that remain with us.
– For a long time to plunge into the world of fictional heroes.
– Read the same books as my husband and me, discuss them together. Now someone has swallowed a book and urges others: “When you read it, it’s so interesting!” We very much like this teen series.
– Discuss books and play them with friends. Contrary to the statement about unread children, we are surrounded by everyone who reads like new “Harry Potter” and “Chasodeys”, and the eternal “Hobbit” and “Treasure Island”, advise each other, lend their favorite works. Not always according to our, adult standards, good – but still happy when the children talk about books.
– Enjoy the letters, note the puns, the play of words that were lost when reading aloud. Reread the lines you like many times, even memorize them.
– Be among the books, open the book in any place and “stick” into the text, find your favorite places, just keep the book in hand, understanding what is inside the value. Be friends with books.
At the same time I continue to read to my son out loud, not so much as before, but I try to do it regularly. And now I can choose only books, which also give me pleasure.